Vacation, I really need a Vacation
by Eediva
Summary: Where was God through out season 4? Spoilers for season 4. sequel to Beloved of God, but you don’t really need to read BOG that much, I’d just like it if you do… CRACK! BLASPHEMY!


Title: Vacation, I really need a Vacation

Rating: PG

Summary: Where was God through out season 4?

Afro's Notes: Spoilers for all of season 4. This is kind of a sequel of Beloved of God, but you don't really need to read BOG that much, I'd just like it if you do… CRACK! BLASPHEMY!!!!!

Pairings: Dean/Cass, Sam/Lucifer, yes you read that right.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The day that Dean Winchester had died and was thrown into the dark pit, God was golfing on the moon (Contrary to belief, the golf balls on the moon are property of God, not NASA.) with Michael when the eldest angel received a message from Gabriel on his Nokia 3310 stating the Winchester had indeed fallen.

_Of course, God knew about this before His Crucifixion._

God gave out an order right away. "Get the seraphs to go and grip him from Perdition, but not Cass."

"Yes, Milord," Michael nodded and began to type into the phone furiously before he pressed the send button. He smiled at himself for a moment while singing_ Dancing Queen; _God raised a brow when suddenly Michael gasped.

"What?" God asked, (though God knew what; He was kind of hoping He'd be wrong for once) He snatched the phone of Michael. The Almighty roared with anger and knocked Michael on the head with the golf club. "**MICHAEL! YOU BUFFOON!"**

The message read, _'Send the Seraphs to Hell and Castiel, to grip Dean Winchester tightly and raise him from Perdition_.'

"Let me correct it!" Michael yelped, typing into the phone so fast that not even God was able to keep up. "There."

The phone beeped again and God quickly opened the message.

'_Too late_,' was the message from Gabriel with a smiley face.

"Michael, go to hell," God growled, as He grabbed the 'young' angel by the scruff of his Grace and pulled him near. "And find your brother!"

Michael disappeared quickly, avoiding the wrath of God.

God knew exactly what was going to happen in hell, but it still didn't mean He wanted to send His Beloved Lil Hugger to hell!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-==-=-=-=-=-=-

Fortunately for Michael it was Castiel that gripped Dean Winchester and raised him from perdition. Along with a hellhound that had its own grip on Castiel's shiny ankle.

So Michael came in for the save and knocked the stupid dog back down to perdition. Dean was snoring loudly as Castiel stared at the pretty human with a tilted head.

"I have done what Father has asked," Castiel said in a humble voice, his head down.

"Great, now let's get you out of here, before Father kills me," Michael said, laughing nervously. Castiel stared at him confused with a tilted head. Michael wondered if the angel's head was permanently stuck in the position.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

God sighed in relief (unnecessarily) as Castiel returned still gripping Dean Winchester. He quickly lifted the soul up, and with two quick actions the Lord cleansed the soul of all sin and returned it back to its body. Raphael had spent the last two days fixing the body, removing all the maggots, healing the cuts and gashes and mouldy skin.

Now Dean's soul and body were one again.

_God said 'it was good.'_

God and Castiel watched from the Heavens as Dean struggled to dig himself out.

"Uh, Father, couldn't we have dug the hole out for him?" Castiel asked.

"I softened up the soil around him," God smirked. He was God; He was entitled to some friggin humour that didn't involve sex and faeces. "Besides, this is amusing. You don't think this is funny?"

"Um, I'm not sure," Castiel said with a tilted head as Dean's hand stuck out before a cross. God smiled at His Beloved Lil Hugger, that head tilting thing was Epic in God's Eyes… "But, uh, He has very lovely eyes. Where is he going Father?"

God tried not to snort, lovely eyes, please, God had seen greener, "He is handsome. I believe he is going to find some food and then he should try and contact his family."

"All of your creations are beautiful," Castiel said, honestly. God smiled, He couldn't say He agreed. He was drunk (again) when He created the Tapir, Giraffe and Eye-Eye. At least the Eye-Eye was cute though, but seriously the Tapir? What the hell was that!? The Giraffe, He wasn't too sure what happened there either.

Any way, focus on the matter at hand.

"Castiel, I have a mission for you," God smiled.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A few hours later God was shaking His head in amusement as Castiel roared at Dean who was inside a shop checking out porn. The youngest angel seemed to realise that the human couldn't make out what he was saying so he left.

A little bit later, Castiel got into his very first bar fight with a couple of demons. Needless to say who won?

_God was so proud._

And a little bit later Castiel was screaming at Dean again, and shattering glass left, right and centre. God had to intervene since it appeared Dean was losing his hearing. God redirected Castiel to James Novak and within a few hours Castiel had his own pretty vessel. He wasn't a virgin like God was hoping but the man had a good enough soul.

Finally, Castiel and Dean Winchester had met again. God was compelled to smite Dean when he started shooting at His beloved son. It took quite some effort not to send him back to hell when he stabbed Castiel in the heart with that blasted dagger.

_Which for your information belonged to St Peter, he had used it to cut off some poor bloke's ear a good 2000 years ago._

Any who, Castiel introduced himself to Dean Winchester. I'm an Angel of the Lord, blah-blah, from perdition, blah. God commanded it…

Dean didn't believe the angel, which of course confused Castiel quite a bit. He tilted his adorable little head and asked "You don't think you deserved to be saved?"

God had to admit, He was surprised Castiel worked that out on his own.

And then Dean scoffed at the idea of God which made Castiel cross. God didn't mind. He was use to it; 2000 years ago He came down to offer salvation to humanity and the scoundrels crucified Him!

Oh well, least He saved humanity from eternity in hell.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The next time Dean and Castiel met, Castiel threaten to hurl Dean back into perdition if he didn't show respect towards the angel. God was amused to say the least; considering Dean had practically pooped himself when Castiel left.

Castiel was beginning to develop a little crush on Dean, so when Dean gave him attitude it upset the poor angel. Castiel returned to the heavens that night, upset and in need of a hug. God didn't mind at all.

It was that night God decided to send Dean on a road trip to the past. And by the end of it, Castiel was definitely showing a certain feeling towards the human. He looked ready to hug the human when Dean stared at his parents helplessly, but settled with a hand on the shoulder.

Surprisingly Dean made no objection.

_Not that it was a surprise for God._

Castiel broke the news of what Sam was doing with Ruby the moment they returned to the present. God quickly prepared a box of popcorn and watched as Dean punched the younger Winchester brother twice.

_God rather enjoyed boxing and wrestling. _

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A few weeks and months later the Heavenly folk were split into two groups. The group that fought the upcoming Apocalypse and the group that kept an eye on everyone, but mainly Dean Winchester. That group involved God and Michael who were more interested in their game of backgammon and Castiel who watched Dean like a Hawk.

God had to assure the young angel that the human would make it out alive as he fought against a rugaro, a shape shifter, and finally ghost sickness.

Castiel couldn't see what was so funny about the human having the sickness, but God and Michael were rolling on the floor with laughter.

Between stating he was annoying while Sam was gassy,(which was certainly no lie about Sam) driving slowly and safely, drinking and almost getting caught as fake FBI agents, manning the flash light, and that scream; God and Michael had no chance.

All of Heaven heard them laughing.

Finally Halloween rolled around and God sent Castiel to help Dean and Sam with a case. He gave a simple order to the angels "Do whatever Dean says, and Uriel, don't heckle the humans!"

_Not that the seraph ever listened. _

God watched with exasperation as Uriel began to call the humans mud monkeys again, and Castiel stared at Dean with his bright blue eyes.

Sam stuttering and acting like a buffoon was rather amusing to say the least.

While they didn't succeeded in stopping the seal from breaking, Castiel and Dean seemed to grow slightly closer. God tried not to eardrop on the angel as he spilled a secret out to Dean.

_But honestly, what doubts did the little angel have? _

_And why couldn't Castiel ask Him the questions?!_

_Meh, whatever. _

_I'm gonna go and visit the people on Mikarkakepjonk._

_=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-_

While God was visiting another race on another planet he received a text from Michael.

'_The demons have found out about Anael, the idiot's slept with Dean Winchester and Castiel doesn't seem too happy about it. He hugged Azrael afterwards and it took a lot of effort for Azrael not to kill him. For some weird reason Anael told Dean we couldn't feel anything and that she wanted to come down to Earth for Sex and pie and chocolate cake. Please don't smite me but I think You may have made a mistake when you created her, perhaps you dropped her on her Grace? Oh and for some really screwed up reason Castiel thinks he hasn't seen your face… Oh and I almost forgot. Jophiel's got caught in a time warp again. Can I just leave him there? Please.'_

God growled, annoyed as he sipped from a bottle of Vodka. Contrary to belief it was the people from Mikarkakepjonk that created vodka not humanity. Michael just brought it over at one stage.

God sighed, if Anael wanted cake that friggin badly, all she had to do was ask!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-

God was now in Krypton having a beer with Kal-El and Bruce Wayne when He received another text from Azrael.

'_Michael got pulled into a time warp with Jophiel. Alastair has been captured, so we're gonna try and find out how our brothers are dying. Anael escaped with her Grace because Uriel is an idiot and Raphael broke his vessel's nose when he was looking after Your latest prophet. He tripped over a beetle.'_

"So how is everyone on Earth?" Kal-El asked.

"Moments away from being smoted," God grunted.

"Smoted isn't a word," Bruce Wayne said.

"It is now," God grumbled, and with that the word smoted was added to the US and UK dictionaries.

=-=-=--==-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

'_Hi Daddy, Uriel is a traitor, Anael the other traitor killed him. Uriel tried to get Alastair to kill Dean and Uriel tried to kill Castiel. Apparently Uriel is a Lucifer fan. Oh and Michael pulled Gabriel and Azrael into the time thingy with them, so it's just me, your loving son, Raphaphael.'_

God screamed in annoyance before he sent a text message back to the angel.

'_Your name is Raphael not Raphaphael you idiot!'_

"I ain't going back," God grunted, to a toad "Not until Michael is back, or at least Gabriel. And honestly, I can't leave these angels alone for more then 5 minutes! See that's why I like humans more! They are self sufficient!"

"Ribbit," replied the toad.

"I thought you'd understand."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Several weeks later God was on another planet, helping the people reach an agreement as a civil war broke out. He had just stopped a meteor from colliding into another planet when he received another text.

'_Um, Daddy, Zachariah locked me in the broom closet, Saying something about ruling humanity. I think he lost his mind."_

God raised a brow when suddenly the phone beeped again. He peered at the message and hollered in anger. It was heard all around the universe.

He stomped off His phone left on the grassy plains next to a unicorn.

The unicorn read the message and eeped.

'_Uh, daddy I can hear the Spice Girls up here. I think Zachariah is using it to torture Castiel!'_

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

By the time God returned back home(He had to stop for petrol and MacDonald's), much had happened. Raphael had quickly filled him in. The Winchesters met Chuck the Prophet, Castiel helped Dean with helping Sam by using an archangel (such a clever boy) the boys found out they had a brother, Castiel was forced back to heaven while poor Jimmy had to fend for himself, fortunately Dean and Sam protected him, Castiel told Dean he served Heaven and not Dean before Castiel followed the stupidest order ever given by Zachariah and freed Samuel from his cage to prevent him from drinking demon blood.

God watched hidden from everyone as creepy Zachariah threatened Castiel with Dean's life. God rolled His eyes chewing on a Big Mac when Zachariah added, "And God can't help you! Cause He's left the building so ne-neh!"

Castiel sulkily followed Zachariah's orders until Dean gave him the speech about family and morals and so forth.

_God was sooo gonna immortalize this human! _

Dean understood exactly what family was about! Unlike all of His stupid angels who seemed more interested in pleasing Him then looking after each other…

Now, God Almighty knew that all the seals had to be broken. He was beginning to feel sorry for His poor son Lucifer; all alone in that cage with only Barbara Streisand songs to keep him company. So God allowed Sam to destroy the first human to sin. In all honesty God did not like Lylith! So her lose was no big lose for God. Even though He was pro-life and all.

She was, after all, the first stupid atheist and created all the trouble in His lovely universe where everyone was happy and at peace, expect for Anael, who wanted to be sad; freaking weirdo.

So God sat on His throne gossiping to good old Buddha about the Greek goddess Aphrodite as Sam attacked Lylith and Dean was sent to stop him by Castiel. God pulled back the archangel sent to punish Castiel back into the Heavens, confusing the seraph who released a sigh of relief.

"So, what about Artemis?" God said, turning to Buddha as the Archangel Remiel fell to his knees before the Lord begging not to be smitten. "Oi! Quit sulking, look what you're doing to the ground. Dribbling all over My clean white marbles!"

"That sounded so dirty," Buddha said, chuckling.

"Oh, look, My son is returning," God said, ignoring the man.

_You could tell Buddha was human once, jokes always revolved around sex and crap with humans._

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It only took five minutes to subdue the devil. He appeared in a pretty white light before Sam and Dean who clung onto each other terrified. Castiel arrived as Lucifer did, ready to take Sam and Dean some where safe but before anyone could move the devil was at their knees begging them to protect him from Barbara Streisand.

"What the hell?" Dean asked, kicking the devil of his foot. "Cass, are you sure this is Lucifer?"

"Err, pretty sure," Castiel shrugged, staring at the devil (who was rocking himself as he sucked his thumb) with a tilted head and confused expression.

"How'd you escape the archangel?" Zachariah asked with a raised brow when he suddenly appeared beside Lucifer, glaring at Castiel. The devil yelped and hid behind Sam.

"Hide me, Zazu!" Lucifer whined. Sam stood agape.

"No matter," Zachariah said, "I'll smite you myself!"

Castiel stared at him with puppy eyes as Zachariah pulled out Lucifer's sword.

"Oooh, shiny," Lucifer said, from behind Sam's hip. Zachariah faltered at the sight.

"This is what the big fuss is about?" Dean asked, staring down at the devil.

"Yeah, he isn't as scary as I thought he'd be," Sam muttered. Zachariah let out a war cry and charged at the two sets of brothers. Castiel tilted his head, Dean pulled out a shot gun, Lucifer stuck his head down Sam's pants and Sam screamed.

**BANG! **

Dean stared at his shotgun confused; he didn't pull the trigger. Sam ran around with Lucifer's body hanging off his pants. Castiel watched with a tilted head; they resembled a dog running after his own tail.

"What the hell!?" Zachariah yelped letting go of Lucifer's sword as Sam ran past him, Lucifer still attached. The sword flipped and flopped on the ground. Apparently the bang had changed it into a friggin swordfish!

"What the?" Dean asked when Castiel began to giggle. "Okay, Cass, it's nice to see you found your funny bone, but is this really the most appropriate time?"

"Right, sorry," Castiel nodded, going stony face again.

"Dean get him off me!"

"I'll kill you with my bare hands then!" cried Zachariah as he jumped at Castiel and began to choke the angel. Dean watched for a few moments in shock, before he jumped at Zachariah and held him in a headlock.

It was then when God arrived with his four archangels. The five of them paused, and threw a Castiel. Together, they tilted their head to the left, and looked at the scene confused and scared.

"Get off me!" Sam cried as he ran past Michael, who lifted one foot up and held two hands against his chest yelping.

"That's it," God sighed, before He bellowed. "ENOUGH!"

Zachariah's hands stopped squeezing at Castiel's throat, Castiel stopped hacking and Dean froze his arms still wrapped around Zachariah's head. Sam froze too, as Lucifer cuddled up behind him.

"Is- is that Lucifer?" Gabriel asked, looking behind Sam.

"Holy guacamole! It is!" Raphael said.

"Why has he got his head down Samuel's ass?" Azrael asked.

"Azrael!" Michael hissed.

God sighed. "Shut it! Zachariah! Release Castiel right now!"

"Never!"

"Okay, that's it!" God growled, before he turned to Michael. "Deal with him! I can't handle him right now!"

"Okay!" Michael nodded, as he pulled out a flaming sword. He paused for a moment and stared at his father, "I should remove him from Samuel's bottom first?"

"Not Lucifer!" God snapped, "Zachariah! And Lucifer isn't inside Samuel's butt!! I should have just stayed in friggin Krypton! Bruce offered me a beer but no, I said 'sorry Bats I need to get back to Earth, the Apocalypse is starting!'"

_Of course, God had no one else to blame but Himself. _

"You done?" Azrael asked, bluntly. God turned around and glared. "I'll shut up now."

"Don't make me smite you," God grunted as Michael finally charged at Zachariah. "When this is all over, I'm going on a long vacation."

"Alright, alright!" Zachariah jumped up freeing Castiel from his grip. "I'll be good!"

"Hey, stop touching my son!" God snapped as Castiel and Dean hugged tightly. Zachariah took this as a chance to run and hide. Unbeknownst to him, he was running towards hell…

"He's hugging me!" Dean said.

"You saved me!" Castiel gushed.

"No, I didn't," Dean snapped, pushing the angel of him.

"Lucifer," God said, rolling his eyes as Michael and Azrael gripped the devil by the legs and tried to pull him off Sam. "Stop being an idiot and let Sam go!"

"You wont make me listen to Barbara Streisand will you?" Lucifer whimpered, poking his head out of the jeans. Azrael and Michael let the devil go.

"No," God sighed, "In fact, I won't even send you to hell. You can come back home."

"Promise," Lucifer sniffed, still holding onto Sam.

"Yeah, yeah," God nodded, "You can let go of Sam."

"I don't want to," Lucifer said, snuggling into Sam's crotch.

"Oh come on!" Sam huffed, throwing his hands up into the air.

"Will you marry me?" Lucifer asked. Sam stared at the devil horrified.

"That's it, I'm going home," God said, rubbing his growing headache. "Sam and Dean, thank you for your help. I will take my angels with me to the heavens and you two can live in peace and harmony for evermore."

Suddenly Sam and Dean were left alone in the chapel, staring at each other confused and bewildered.

"What in the blue hell just happened?" Sam asked.

"Did the devil just propose to you?" Dean finally asked.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-

God was sitting playing a game of Hungry Hippos with the two Josephs; Joseph the son of Jacob in his (really gay) multicoloured robe and Joseph, God's daddy.

"So, how's my grandson handling the change? Being back in heaven and all?" Joseph the Father asked.

"Fine," God replied, "Is Mum making spaghetti tonight?"

"Lasagne," Joseph replied.

"Close enough," God shrugged.

"Milord!" the two Josephs and God looked up to find Michael. "Lucifer's gone to Earth, something about serenading the human."

God raised a brow and switched open the flat screen TV and watched as Lucifer sang a Back Street Boys classic to the baffled human.

"_I don't care what you ate, what you drank," Lucifer sang. "As long as you %#$ me!"_

_Sam started crying._

"Oh, honestly, doesn't that boy ever learn?" God groaned, as His mother walked in and announced dinner. "Here we go again."

"Oh, let him have his fun," Mary smiled, "You were young once too. Don't think I've forgotten about that wedding in Cana, Yeshua."

"Oh, come on! It was once!"

"Well, there was that time You killed all the dinosaurs," Michael said, sitting before a bowl of food. "Creating Castiel in the process."

"And when You created the Mole people," Gabriel explained, mouthful of lasagne.

"And when You created Krypton," Azrael said.

"And destroyed Krypton," Raphael said.

"That was the comic," Azrael snapped, "You idiot."

"I'm pretty," Raphael smiled. The Heavens fell silent, as Azrael's finger twirled around his temple.

"Whatever," God grunted as Dean, on Earth, knocked out the light bearer for making his brother cry. "Ouch, That's gonna bruise."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It was a few months later, when God came back from golfing on the moon, when he found Castiel sniffling to himself while watching Sam and Dean hunt another rugaro.

"What's the matter with you?" God asked. Though He knew exactly what was wrong.

"I miss Dean," Castiel sniffed, as he jumped at his Father for a quick hug. "And Ramziel said that I looked like an idiot when I tilt my head, but I have no idea what he is talking about."

"There, there," God said, while noting down he was to smite Ramziel. He held onto Castiel enjoying the loving embrace, "Ramziel is an idiot."

"I want to hug Dean," Castiel said, looking up at his Father with huge watery doe eyes. "Can I hug Dean?"

Something in God snapped yet again. And Castiel found himself sitting on Dean's startled lap.

"Dean!" Castiel cried, hugging the human,

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Several weeks after Lucifer's Rising, Sam and Dean continued to search for things to hunt, and occasionally Castiel would join them. Castiel had to beg his Father to let him help. God relented eventually, but only if Castiel was accompanied by his brothers.

_So there were Sam and Dean hunting one lousy vampire with Castiel standing beside them(head tilted), and the entire army of Heaven behind them guarding Castiel. _

Well except for Michael, Gabriel, Azrael and Raphael. The first three had jobs to do, and God wouldn't trust Raphael with a goldfish.

--==---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

So, God decided to allow Lucifer to have his _fun._ The devil spent most of his time spying on Sam; sighing as Sam scratched his rear, picked his nose, slept, ate, drank, fell over, lost his shoes, and so forth.

The only time God had to interfere was when Lucifer threatened to castrate the human for cheating on him. Sam had found himself a girlfriend.

Surprisingly enough after several months of badgering the human, Lucifer finally got a little action from the human. After making the devil promise he'd leave Sam alone, the human kissed him once on the cheek and two months later Lucifer gave birth to a dozen eggs.

Dean almost fainted when in turn it was Castiel's turn, and he gave birth to two dozen eggs. Of course, moments later Dean was running for his life as lightning bolt after lightning bolt crashed after him.

_God wasn't in the mood for another nephilim pandemic._

_So He went on a vacation to Antarctica._

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The End.

Right, sorry about that, but I had to get that out.

Peace and chicken grease

Afro.


End file.
